Love, loss and pain
by IAmTheMe
Summary: TATE, GibbsShannon angst. NO SLASH! Tony is broken with grief after Kate's death, he gets an unexpected vistor who tells him his darkest secret. Tony is chocked. R&R!


**Disclaimer:** You know the drill, I don't owe NCIS, yadayada… all rights belongs to Mr. B and his gang, blabla... If I did, Hollis Mann would disappear from the face of the earth right away and all bananas would be blue. Seriously.

Takes place after Kill Ari II. Anyway, here we go.¨

…and in that second, he just knew. He'd never be happy again. Ever again.

_A week later_

_So broken inside._

Tony hadn't moved for hours. They had got him, of course they had. That bastard and his damned smirk were dead. However, right now Tony didn't care.Kate was dead and she wouldn't come back. _He'd never see his Katie again._ Therefore, he just sat on his couch and stared into nowhere.

He'd loved her so much. Hell, he still did. The way she her eyes had sparkled when she'd smiled, all the teasing she'd thrown at him, her scent when he'd held her close… All the memories they had shared came flushing over him and made him suffer even more. It was so painful, she was gone and he'd lost her forever.

He didn't cry. He hadn't cried once, not even at her funeral. The pain in his chest was far beyond tears. It had taken his whole soul and carved deeper and deeper with the thousands bleeding pieces of his heart.

She'd loved him back. He would never forget the moment when she'd told him the first time. It had been the most wonderful thing he could ever have imagined.

_Flashback_

_Tony smiled at the sleeping woman in his arms. She looked so young and peaceful, just like an angel - his angel. Carefully he bended his head and kissed her on the forehead._

_- Morning, sweetie._

_- Ah, oh, morning to you too, Tony._

_Kate grubbed her eyes and smiled to him._

_- Last night was pretty fantastic, don't you think?_

_He chuckled._

_- Yeaaah, you're pretty fantastic, you know._

_- Huh? A woman loves to hear that, Tony._

_Tony didn't answer. Instead he took her face between his hands and just looked at her. His gaze was so intense and held so many emotions that Kate felt like he was looking into her bare soul and burned it. Then, the intense faded and only the emotions were left. There was caring, tenderness and – something different._

_She took his hands in her own and kissed them softly. Tony didn't move, he just kept looking at her. After a while, he bent down and captured her lips with his mouth and kissed her slowly. He could feel how she melted as close to him as she could ever get and never seemed to let go. When they broke apart he stroked her hair and gave her a small smile._

_- You're not just a woman to me, Kate._

_This time, it was Kate who didn't answer. Tony couldn't help but chuckle, she looked like she couldn't believe her ears._

_- I mean it; he whispered and took her hand. I love you._

_The response he got was the last he'd ever imagined. Tears. Kate was crying._

_- Oh, my God, do you? I love you too, Tony. I really, really do!_

_She threw her arms around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder. Tony just held her. She loved him back! He was so happy and smiled like he'd never stop._

_End flashback_

A cry of pain escaped Tony's lips and he sank on the floor with his head in the hand. He felt like he couldn't take it anymore. Nothing mattered when she wasn't there with him.

The gun. He fetched it from its place in the drawer and sat down on the couch again. Angst, despair and sorrow came crashing over him as he put the weapon to his head. He closed his eyes and squeezed the finger against the trigger.

"_Click_"

What? Tony opened his eyes and starred at the weapon. _It had clicked_ – it wasn't supposed to click!

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The habit got Tony up for the couch and to the door. He hadn't done more than unlock before it flew open and he found himself looking in a pair of familiar blue eyes.

- You pulled the trigger.

Gibbs' soft voice wasn't a question. Tony's head went blankand he could do nothing but nod quietly in response.

The next minutes felt like a strange, dizzy fog for Tony. Gibbs took his arm and led him back to the grey couch. He picked up Tony's gun from the floor and moved it away. The younger man next to him didn't seem to notice, he just kept starring at his feet with eyes shining with grief.

A noise from the kitchen got his attention. He looked up and saw Gibbs walking towards him carrying two large cups of coffee. He put one of them in front of Tony and took a large gulp from the other one.

- Drink.

The minutes passed. Tony kept starring quietly at his feet, just as if they where an old Bond movie with Sean Connery. Gibbs didn't say anything either, he just sat there with a face empty of all emotions, waiting for something to happen.

- Why?

Gibbs sighed.

-I don't know.

-Then how the hell will I know?!?

Tony shouted the last words and jumped up from the couch. He threw his coffee cup in the wall and an ugly vase after that, screaming of the top of his lungs.

- She's _dead!_ She was here and now she's dead! It's my entire fault; I should have taken the bullet instead of _her. _She's dead because of… because of _me! _

- No, she isn't. Listen, you couldn't possibly have done anything to save her, Tony, it's _not _your fault, got it?

- Hell, it isn't!

- Clam down. Ok, look, I understa…

At this point, Tony went crazy.

- No, you don't! You're smart, boss, so just shut up. You don't understand how I'm feeling; you don't know what it's like to loose someone like her. You… you just don't!

Gibbs didn't answer. Instead, he pulled out a photo from his pocket and gave it to Tony.

- Look at it.

A beautiful, 30-something woman and a young girl with her red hair in a ponytail smiled bright at him from the photo. The woman wore a white dress and sat on the grass in a garden with the girl standing next to her. The girl held two blue balloons in one hand and a plate with a piece of cake in the other. She looked right into the camera with the bluest pair of eyes he'd ever seen. _Blue eyes…_

The obvious truth struck him instantly. As fallen from the sky, Tony looked up from the picture, to his boss, back to the photo and then to Gibbs again. It couldn't be, but it was. The two people in the photo were…

- Shannon and Kelly, my first wife and our daughter.

Gibbs words were nothing more than a whisper, but they left Tony stunned to no end. A daughter and a wife he'd never heard about? She was definitelynot one of his ex-wives. She looked so calm, happy and… full of love? Minutes passed before he was able to speak.

- But y-you, they… you, I never, y-y-you never said anything!

This time, Gibbs was the one starring at his feet.

- They're dead. Killed. I was in Kuwait when they told me, then I was involved in an explosion and got into my first coma and when I got home they were already buried. Never got the chance to see them and say goodbye. Later, I tracked the guy who shot them to Mexico and killed him.

His face was no longer emotionless and he fought to keep the voice steady. It revealed a sorrow as deep and bleeding as nothing else Tony could ever have imagined. He sank down on the couch and kept listening when Gibbs spoke again.

- Kelly… Kelly was eight. The photo is from her last birthday, a week before I left. She was the best thing that ever have happened me. Just hearing her laugh would always make me feel as the happiest man alive – and I was.

Tony felt a wave of shame coming over him.

- Boss, I'm… I'm s-sorry, shouldn't have screamed at you like that. I didn't… I didn't…

- …know. Yeah, you weren't supposed to either, Tony.

They sat quiet for a while. Thousands of questions filled Tony's head, mixed with painful memories of Kate, laughing and smiling at him – just like Shannon from the photo.

- Can I ask you something, boss?

Gibbs nodded.

- How did you know that I'd… I'd had done, you know - that?

Sighing heavily, Gibbs turned his head and looked directly at Tony.

- It clicked for me too.

Tony didn't know what to say.

- I saw it in your eyes, Tony, and you had all the signs. Ever since the funeral, you haven't said anything that wasn't absolutely necessary, you haven't slept once, just kept blaming yourself and – you haven't cried.

- I loved her.

The simple answer was filled with emotions.

- I didn't think I'd ever love anyone like that, but I did. She was, I don't know, she was so amazing, so fantastic and now… now she's gone. It hurts, boss. It hurts so bad that I can't stand it. I miss her so much. We were engaged, you know – I asked her to marry me last month. Everything seemed so perfect then, we'd keep it secret and not tell anyone. Then later, one of us would change job, we'd buy a house and settle down. That's never going to happen now.

The angst in his voice didn't go unnoticed to Gibbs.

- Tony, listen at me. I don't usually apologize, but I'm going it now. I'm sorry you'll have to go through this hell, I'm sorry she's dead, but most of all – I'm sorry she died because of me.

Tony didn't answer.

- You see… Ari killed her to make me suffer. He knew about my family. He wanted to remain me that I couldn't protect her, just like I couldn't protect them. Ari wanted all my wounds to start bleeding and hurting again.

He chuckled bitterly.

- He was so wrong. They have never stopped bleeding and I suppose they never will. Shannon meant the whole world to me. I still wake up every day and expect to see her beside me and it has been sixteen years since she died!

- I guess I'll do that too.

- Yeah… I think you'll. I made the mistake and remarried, just too easy the pain. Don't need to say that it failed. I just want them back, all the time, but I know I have to live with it.

He placed a hand on Tony's shoulder and asked softly.

- Are you going to try using the gun again?

The younger man shook his head.

- No, I won't. She wouldn't want me to. I'll go and visit her tonight, but I'll come to work tomorrow, for her-

- Good choice. One more thing, you're the only one who knows about my family, and I'd like it to stay that way, okay?

- Wouldn't dream of telling anyone, boss. Trust me.

Gibbs nodded with a small, sad smile on his lips.

- I do. Thanks, Tony.

_When I think back on these times_

_a__nd the dreams we left behind_

_I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get_

_to have you in my life_

_When I look back on these days_

_I'll look and see your face_

_You were right there for me_

_In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky_

_In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life_

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_Well you showed me how it feels_

_t__o feel the sky within my reach_

_a__nd I always will remember all _

_t__he strength you gave to me_

_Your love made me make it through_

_Oh I owe so much to you_

_You were right there for me_

_In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky_

_In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life_

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_'Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength_

_a__nd I wanna thank you now for all the ways_

_You were right there for me, you were right there for me_

_You were right there for me for always_

_In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky _

_In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life_

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be _

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_a__nd everywhere I am there you'll be_

_There you'll be_

Faith Hill – There you'll be


End file.
